And I think the best part about being depressed is that you question your fundamentals.
The reason I’m in English is not so that I could get a job. Pro tip, you want a job? Avoid the humanities. Try a skilled trade, everyone always needs more tradesmen in this economy. My sister is becoming a tradesman, in fact. It’s only two years, it’s 1/3 the price of a “worthless degree,” and it even pays more out of the gates.
But this is not about advice.
Today I finally hit the brick wall that is depression once again. Truly, it is a brick wall for us manic-depressives because we go from the opposite; energy-filled mania, to empty, devoid depression.
Luckily, I’ve been through all this before, over and over. I know what’s going on, and that it’s best to just…keep going. The problem? My goals are a little too polytheistic at the moment. Now, I mean that in a technical and secular manner, simply that I have many goals (or many “gods”) that I’m trying to move towards and achieve, and perhaps they are at odds with each other.
Depression is great time to abandon useless goals. Why? Because you don’t care about anything except what’s really important. And even then, you don’t really care, you just…feel very anxious about getting rid of things, or stopping, or giving up.
So what are my goals? Let’s list the ones I remember, and then anything I don’t remember likely wasn’t worth remembering. (Or I’ll wake up in a cold sweat in a few hours and edit it in…)
Not really sure that there’s anything else.
So where to go from here? Let’s push the goals aside for a second. Anxiety is caused, often, by not just the fear of the unknown, but also from taking on more than you can handle (that’s an opinion, not a fact). Under that second definition, during depression, I used to narrow my vision to just then next action, the next hour, what was due tomorrow. That sucks in the long term.
It is necessary to pull your head up every now and then even when you’re depressed. It’s simple really; walking with your head down and watching the ground move by without worrying about the world? That’s kind of comforting. But walking into walls, poles, or parked cars? Not so nice. So, pull your head up every now and then.
So, I have this terrible week off. It’s ruined my schedule and habits, and it’s expedited my depression. Hello, depressed Dan! You have homework due on Monday! It’s time to pull that head up and lay out the road for the next four days so that you can afford to keep the head down in comfort. Okay fine.
Okay well, this sort of plug-and-play from my syllibi isn’t that hard, in fact it’s kind of cathartic in the most minor of ways. Probably really boring to read (in fact you likely skipped over it altogether), but I almost want to keep going on into next week—what fun! Later though.
So, I’ve laid out my short and long term goals essentially. Really, the short term won’t be too hard. I can do Rhetoric one book per day to really study. Simple. Okay, what about Psychology? That’s its own little mess, but right now I can focus on reading Ch 9 for Tuesday, and try to get the rest in over the next week before the weekend (or before the exam at the latest lolll). Effective Writing? I can do that really soon. Those are easy. Might as well start there actually; Small Steps. Oh, and Creative Writing I might as well do tonight.
Where’s my agenda? I’ll spare you the details haha. Next!
Okay so obviously the best thing to do is, like any good countdown list, run this down in reverse order.
This has been bubbling up for a while now. Alice and Finch is over one year old now. You can read the original rough draft right now, for free on this blog (here, if you please). There are a lot of problems with it, but I met someone I really love thanks to writing it when I did, so I still like it. In fact, the original three Dawn chapters as well as Inck won’t be edited that much; they’re already really terrific.
I’ve actually worked on this a lot here and there. I’ve written two essays (Alice and Finch: The Archetypal Recapitulation, Alice and Finch – Update 2) in order to explore ideas and plan the next step. Alice and Finch are still alive and well actually; they’ve made appearances as supporting characters in The Solune Prince (TSP), which should be no surprise as Chloe, the Solune Prince, was Finch’s secondary teacher. Further, the first eight or so chapters are already edited!
Really, I just need motivation for this one, and I think once the first Novella of The Solune Prince is done, the second draft of Alice and Finch will take the helm while I plan TSP Novella 2. So, for now, it’s at the bottom of the list for a good reason. However, thanks to a certain someone, I’m far more amazing now than I was when I wrote the first draft, so I’m excited to see where this takes me and my novel. Maybe to publication!
This should be pretty self-explanatory. Being an artist, and a Noahide are sufficient reason to read what is likely the most respected book of all time. Christians staple it to the back of their Bible, Muslims respect it as a holy book, and many Jews still live it every day!
It also gives me an excuse to chill out and do nothing on Saturday; It’s Shabbat! I must not work or create anything! Now, I do not yet follow the 39 laws of Sabbath (Melachot) but…I am also not Jewish. For now, I’ll do my best with what I can do.
That aside, certain narratives seem to be the core inspiration for a lot of modern and great literature. As someone who values going to the source, reading it is almost inevitable regardless of my religion or beliefs. Finally, the story of Jacob man, what a dude. That guy fought with G-d and won. #lifegoals2019
Like Alice and Finch, this goal isn’t really going to take off for a few months. My friend Nick and I are pushing the game forward here and there. He’s really a coding wizard so that’s awesome. Right now combat is being constructed, and we’re set to really take off in the new year.
It is to take place during Alexandre Dirge’s year off between her BA and her Masters of Kemia. I’m mostly using that to date the game and add setting and context for future developments. Alexandre won’t be the main character (probably), she will more likely be an important NPC. Or at least a deadly one. For now, she’s become something of a secondary main character in The Solune Prince, if you’re interested.
So far it’s looking good. I need to get in the scaffolding for the chat system, which will be a pain in the ass during a depression, but eh. Whatever.
‘The Underside cries out to The Solune Prince for aid.’
“Who are they!”
“The Lussa are our extinct ancestors.” He had said.
It was not enough.
It was later that she got her chance—the answers came to her as a quest.
“It is good that you have come Chloe. We have it, a plea for help; from the Lussa.”
Chloe Rhye is a recluse. As a prince, she needs nothing from the world, and so, she just reads…until her father gets a letter. An ancient lost kingdom, still ruled by her distant bloodline, needs her help…
New chapters of The Solune Prince are released every Thursday at 10am. It’s essentially my literary spine, it keeps me writing and planning and thinking. It’s written much like other realism novels except that it takes place in another world that acts much like the world did four-hundred years ago, but with touches of four-thousand years ago. Hope you check it out: https://danieltriumph.com/the-solune-prince/
Not much to say here, really. I value marriage, and if I find someone I like who feels the same, I intend to marry them.
If you would like to know more, feel free to check out Rabbi Manis Freidman’s work on the subject. Marriage is a sacred act, and I think that it gets a bad rap. You’re not an adult until you are married with two or more children as far as I’m concerned. You’re just a half-soul. I’m sick of feeling incomplete and lonely, and like a child, and without responsibility. It’s time to build a home. So, Marriage.
Since I’m already amazing, the only thing left for me to do is make someone else feel the same way.
Literally, see the short term goals.
Maybe I’ll get to this some other day, but here’s a gist. Humanities don’t get you jobs, and I don’t want a job. I want to take over the world. You don’t do that with a job.
Rich people send their children out for humanities degrees. Why? So that they know a bit of everything, so that they mature; so that they learn to read and write, and most of all they learn about the history of human ideas and how to learn and use academic resources.
They send their children out to become leaders. Because rich kids don’t work, people work for them. (At least, in theory. History and English majors seem to love to settle for less; teaching.) I’m already creating art. I’m already working with others for a higher goal (Solune 4000). This is only the beginning. I should already be making money by the time I graduate. All I have to do is make it scalable, and when I exit the gates, scale it!
That’s all for now. Don’t go into the humanities if you want a job. You won’t find one.
And don’t compete with me unless you want a fight, because I can’t die dead enough, and I’m here to conquer all.
This is an anthology post of my recent exploration into photographic and concrete poetry.
St(.)Rangers second draft. (09.06.2018)
XXX by Alexandre (09.04.2018)
Megadeth lyrics, red prismacolor, printer paper, on a door (copyright Megadeth, 1985)
Mastering the Work Clock (08.31.2018)
Millennial + Gen Z (Romantic version) (08.30.2018)
Goth Ewe II (AKA my coworker friend and Gothic Blackletter) (08.24.2018)
Modern Art without Hate Speech (07.11.2018)
>:3 (Rough Draft) (08.24.2018)
The Lye (08.25.2018)
Instagram Poetry for Someone… (08.25.2018)
Yes, I can Help You with your Chemistry. Yes, I can look that up for You. (08.27.2018)
Part of the Bitch I’m trying to Marry (08.27.2018)
Love in Pentasyllable (08.29.2018)
Guest writer (not mine)
The Second Final Stand (09.02.2018)
Trying to Write (09.04.2010)
No comment. (Today)
This is a personal blog post, not a story 😮
and I think the worst part about being depressed is that you question your fundamentals.
Why am I in University? Why for English? Why not Biology? Why pursue something you know for a fact isn’t your ‘passion’? But wait, isn’t passion built by doing something you like over and over until it sticks? Until you get really good? Do I actually like English?
Why did I even take the English degree? Well, when I actually bother to plan, I write a pretty mean essay. And, it’s something I can do decently whilst depressed (or so I tell myself). Whereas anyone who’s been depressed knows that math, at the very least, becomes very troublesome for the mind, no matter how talented you once were with it.
Also, I really like storytelling. I’ve created, since the later parts of high school, a large narrative world.
But wait, just because I’ve been world building for four years doesn’t mean it’s good. There’s a stark lack of documentation. And plus, look, the world was originally built to be experienced through roleplay, not reading. But wait, there’s a lot here that’s changed, that works better as a narrative than an interactive experience… right?
But wait, none of that matters. I’ve always had issues with characters, and they’re what really matter to me. I feel like in an RP setting, I can’t really express the entirety of a character, I can’t step in their shoes. It’s because they’re underdeveloped, isn’t it. I need to work more on revision, on revisiting character and developing them. But how?
I’m bad, right now, at writing fiction, and I don’t really love it… but I like it enough to do it. Maybe that’s enough. Maybe I just need to learn, and let’s be real, YouTube makes for a thoroughly flawed teacher, especially when all the advice is given by people without credentials, whose work may or may not have any actual quality… How do you know it’s not the blind leading the blind?
Read their work? But I’m not a huge fan of reading, I mean, I read manga… but only sometimes.
That’s another peg against English as an area for study. I don’t really like reading all that much. Or maybe I’m just lazy? It’s hard to tell, because so far I’ve been an expert at avoiding the readings and not actually failing the courses. I… hope to change that and do the readings. Learn a bit about myself.
It’s very hard, to figure out what to do with myself, because, well, there’s no advice. And the only advice is wrong! Get a good paying job? And then what, torture yourself for the rest of your life as it slowly eats your soul?
I’ve realized that I’m very much an artist. My creativity right now is raw, altogether quite crappy. Worst of all, it’s inconsistent. I feel that… I should work more on the fundamentals of art. Writing? I need to learn more about structure and plotting, but especially on how to edit and rewrite.
When I look back, the only piece I really liked was Alice and Finch. So, I want to do the second draft of that as soon as possible. But beta readers…. don’t read. I feel like I’m editing in a bubble. But maybe it’s better that way? Maybe internalizing the mistakes as part of my overall structure is to be a signature of my writing? I don’t know. Maybe with enough revision, it’ll be great. But really, I need to get into the habit of revising. At that might come at the expense of blog post frequency, I’m not sure. Maybe I’ll post second drafts.
Or should I save it until I sell it? Should I self publish? Or perhaps, should I get an agent and go big? All the books that turned into movies, that actually got exposure to the masses were traditional, weren’t they? I don’t know. I’ll have to make a whole post on this debate, I’m still on the fence. I’m really thinking I should do both.
For drawing? Well, I think we can all accept that my art isn’t amazing. Some of it worse than others. Most frustrating is that I can’t seem to draw what I want all of the time. Sometimes what I draw becomes complete garbage, and feel like I’ve lost the talent entirely, by neglecting it.
Take this pair for example, both drawings of the same character, Yaska. On the left is the one I drew first. It was all wrong. Quality aside, it just wasn’t the correct face. The Plainkind isn’t Yaska. On the right is a much better drawing, at the very least more accurate. But I can’t get Yaska to look like Yaska every time, and it’s frustrating. I don’t know how people do it, but my guess is that it’s a good handle on the fundamentals.
So, I have a lot of work to do between the two arts, but then time’s an issue.
Even depressed, and questioning everything, being unable to figure out what’s best for me, I have a semblance for what “the dream” is. It’s that I can just explore art, take those readings or performances to heart, and then write off of it.
I just got back from a public literary reading at my university. I wasn’t a huge fan of all of the poetry, but I really liked some of it. The reading inspired me to write this post, that I need to write. I need to learn.
I need to learn about the fundamentals, and about revision.
Specifically, the fundamentals of visual arts, and the planning and revision process of writing.
Walking to the library, I thought about this, the dream. If I could dedicate all my time to experiencing art, and then making art… that’s the dream! The inhibitors are time, time to learn both writing and drawing to my fullest potential, and money. But, both are overcome if I manage to generate a livable income doing them.
So maybe English is the right path? Or maybe history? Because as much as I like Biology, it’s tangential to art. I can do that through independent research… hopefully. (Or marry someone who’s taken biology, I joke to myself.)
At the moment, it is simply vital that I improve. Oh, and figure out what the hell to major! (Looks tentatively at History.)
If you want, you can help me out on Patreon (https://www.patreon.com/DanielTriumph), although you might want to wait until I’ve improved, huh? 🙂
I should outline The Solune Prince in more depth, so that it’s a better read for everyone.