an internal and depressed discourse

This is a personal blog post, not a story 😮

and I think the worst part about being depressed is that you question your fundamentals.

Why am I in University? Why for English? Why not Biology? Why pursue something you know for a fact isn’t your ‘passion’? But wait, isn’t passion built by doing something you like over and over until it sticks? Until you get really good? Do I actually like English?

Why did I even take the English degree? Well, when I actually bother to plan, I write a pretty mean essay. And, it’s something I can do decently whilst depressed (or so I tell myself). Whereas anyone who’s been depressed knows that math, at the very least, becomes very troublesome for the mind, no matter how talented you once were with it.

Also, I really like storytelling. I’ve created, since the later parts of high school, a large narrative world.

But wait, just because I’ve been world building for four years doesn’t mean it’s good. There’s a stark lack of documentation. And plus, look, the world was originally built to be experienced through roleplay, not reading. But wait, there’s a lot here that’s changed, that works better as a narrative than an interactive experience… right?

But wait, none of that matters. I’ve always had issues with characters, and they’re what really matter to me. I feel like in an RP setting, I can’t really express the entirety of a character, I can’t step in their shoes. It’s because they’re underdeveloped, isn’t it. I need to work more on revision, on revisiting character and developing them. But how?

I’m bad, right now, at writing fiction, and I don’t really love it… but I like it enough to do it. Maybe that’s enough. Maybe I just need to learn, and let’s be real, YouTube makes for a thoroughly flawed teacher, especially when all the advice is given by people without credentials, whose work may or may not have any actual quality… How do you know it’s not the blind leading the blind?

Read their work? But I’m not a huge fan of reading, I mean, I read manga… but only sometimes.

That’s another peg against English as an area for study. I don’t really like reading all that much. Or maybe I’m just lazy? It’s hard to tell, because so far I’ve been an expert at avoiding the readings and not actually failing the courses. I… hope to change that and do the readings. Learn a bit about myself.

It’s very hard, to figure out what to do with myself, because, well, there’s no advice. And the only advice is wrong! Get a good paying job? And then what, torture yourself for the rest of your life as it slowly eats your soul?

I’ve realized that I’m very much an artist. My creativity right now is raw, altogether quite crappy. Worst of all, it’s inconsistent. I feel that… I should work more on the fundamentals of art. Writing? I need to learn more about structure and plotting, but especially on how to edit and rewrite.

When I look back, the only piece I really liked was Alice and Finch. So, I want to do the second draft of that as soon as possible. But beta readers…. don’t read. I feel like I’m editing in a bubble. But maybe it’s better that way? Maybe internalizing the mistakes as part of my overall structure is to be a signature of my writing? I don’t know. Maybe with enough revision, it’ll be great. But really, I need to get into the habit of revising. At that might come at the expense of blog post frequency, I’m not sure. Maybe I’ll post second drafts.

Or should I save it until I sell it? Should I self publish? Or perhaps, should I get an agent and go big? All the books that turned into movies, that actually got exposure to the masses were traditional, weren’t they? I don’t know. I’ll have to make a whole post on this debate, I’m still on the fence. I’m really thinking I should do both.

For drawing? Well, I think we can all accept that my art isn’t amazing. Some of it worse than others. Most frustrating is that I can’t seem to draw what I want all of the time. Sometimes what I draw becomes complete garbage, and feel like I’ve lost the talent entirely, by neglecting it.

Take this pair for example, both drawings of the same character, Yaska. On the left is the one I drew first. It was all wrong. Quality aside, it just wasn’t the correct face. The Plainkind isn’t Yaska. On the right is a much better drawing, at the very least more accurate. But I can’t get Yaska to look like Yaska every time, and it’s frustrating. I don’t know how people do it, but my guess is that it’s a good handle on the fundamentals.

So, I have a lot of work to do between the two arts, but then time’s an issue.

Even depressed, and questioning everything, being unable to figure out what’s best for me, I have a semblance for what “the dream” is. It’s that I can just explore art, take those readings or performances to heart, and then write off of it.

I just got back from a public literary reading at my university. I wasn’t a huge fan of all of the poetry, but I really liked some of it. The reading inspired me to write this post, that I need to write. I need to learn.

I need to learn about the fundamentals, and about revision.

Specifically, the fundamentals of visual arts, and the planning and revision process of writing.

Walking to the library, I thought about this, the dream. If I could dedicate all my time to experiencing art, and then making art… that’s the dream! The inhibitors are time, time to learn both writing and drawing to my fullest potential, and money. But, both are overcome if I manage to generate a livable income doing them.

So maybe English is the right path? Or maybe history? Because as much as I like Biology, it’s tangential to art. I can do that through independent research… hopefully. (Or marry someone who’s taken biology, I joke to myself.)

At the moment, it is simply vital that I improve. Oh, and figure out what the hell to major! (Looks tentatively at History.)

Daniel Triumph.

If you want, you can help me out on Patreon (, although you might want to wait until I’ve improved, huh? 🙂

I should outline The Solune Prince in more depth, so that it’s a better read for everyone.

Digital Art vs Traditional Art

Let my tell you why this argument is meaningless by way of comparison. Comparing Traditional against Digital is like comparing Paintings and Oil Paintings. It doesn’t make a lot of sense because one sort of encompasses the other. They’re also not really separate form each other, they both require the same core skills.

Look, when you learn Traditional Art, you learn to paint, use pencils, charcoal, pastels, you learn a bit of everything and then go use what you like. You also have to learn certain fundamentals like colour, proportion, and anatomy.

When you learn Digital Art, you learn photoshop, Corel Painter, Clip, Kritia, or if you’re zealous like me, Gimp, and MS Paint. You also have to learn certain fundamentals like colour, proportion, and anatomy.

Notice that in both cases you need the fundamentals of art. They’re core in both cases! The point I’m sort of failing to make here is that it really should be divided by what tools you use, not weather those tools are on a computer or not. You shouldn’t really decide if you’re going to go Digital or Traditional, you instead learn your fundamentals and try out everything, and then use what you like.

Personally, I think if you have a choice between learning Traditional or Digital, say you have a big high school with lots of options, or one extra slot on a collage timetable. (Maybe you’re even a mature student taking a single course on the side!) If I had to choose one between Digital or Traditional, I would go with Traditional. It’s not because I’m old fashioned, although I sort of am. It’s really because it’s easier to learn Digital if you already know Traditional than the other way around.

Now things are a little different if you’re a professional. In that case you’d probably want to become familiar with everything, especially the most popular tools (Paint and Photoshop.) That way you can fulfil any offer or commission you get. Or maybe you’ll specialize on something like burnished colouring pencils and when people want something done in that way, they’ll find out about you. Honestly, I’m not a professional visual artist, I’m a writer who likes to draw, and neither of those things is the final mission for me. So, I can’t comment too well on professionals.

At the end of the day the most important thing is to learn your fundamentals! You should also try not to lock yourself into only one type of art, but also to do the one thing that you like most, the most. That’s how you avoid getting bored after all.

Daniel Triumph.
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The DeviantArt page is now LIVE!

If you’re interested in some amateur level visual art, you can check out my DeviantArt.

As you can see, I lack backgrounds and colour, two things I’m working on now. I understand that WordPress is a text-based platform, so most people likely aren’t interested in visuals.

However! This is still something I do, and to a certain extent am proud of, so expect frequent uploads to DeviantArt and occasional updates here!

Daniel Triumph,

The all around artist.