burnout and other fabulous intentions

It’s that time of the year again.

And I think the best part about being depressed is that you question your fundamentals.

The reason I’m in English is not so that I could get a job. Pro tip, you want a job? Avoid the humanities. Try a skilled trade, everyone always needs more tradesmen in this economy. My sister is becoming a tradesman, in fact. It’s only two years, it’s 1/3 the price of a “worthless degree,” and it even pays more out of the gates.

But this is not about advice.

Today I finally hit the brick wall that is depression once again. Truly, it is a brick wall for us manic-depressives because we go from the opposite; energy-filled mania, to empty, devoid depression.

Luckily, I’ve been through all this before, over and over. I know what’s going on, and that it’s best to just…keep going. The problem? My goals are a little too polytheistic at the moment. Now, I mean that in a technical and secular manner, simply that I have many goals (or many “gods”) that I’m trying to move towards and achieve, and perhaps they are at odds with each other.

Depression is great time to abandon useless goals. Why? Because you don’t care about anything except what’s really important. And even then, you don’t really care, you just…feel very anxious about getting rid of things, or stopping, or giving up.

So what are my goals? Let’s list the ones I remember, and then anything I don’t remember likely wasn’t worth remembering. (Or I’ll wake up in a cold sweat in a few hours and edit it in…)

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❤ ❤

 

Goals From 2018

Not really sure that there’s anything else.

So where to go from here? Let’s push the goals aside for a second. Anxiety is caused, often, by not just the fear of the unknown, but also from taking on more than you can handle (that’s an opinion, not a fact). Under that second definition, during depression, I used to narrow my vision to just then next action, the next hour, what was due tomorrow. That sucks in the long term.

It is necessary to pull your head up every now and then even when you’re depressed. It’s simple really; walking with your head down and watching the ground move by without worrying about the world? That’s kind of comforting. But walking into walls, poles, or parked cars? Not so nice. So, pull your head up every now and then.

So, I have this terrible week off. It’s ruined my schedule and habits, and it’s expedited my depression. Hello, depressed Dan! You have homework due on Monday! It’s time to pull that head up and lay out the road for the next four days so that you can afford to keep the head down in comfort. Okay fine.

Due Next Week

  • Rhetoric 290
    • Mid Term; so study.
    • Cicero: De Oratore (50p)
  • Creative Writing 203
    • Writing Exercise #4
  • Psychology as a Social Science 116 (Tuesday)
    • Ch. 9 Intelligence & IQ Testing
    • Mid Term coming October 23
      • Further, you have not done any of the readings at all lmao. So:
      • Ch. 8 Thinking, Reasoning, and Language
      • Ch. 14 (skim, you already know personality theory)
      • Ch. 12 Stress, Coping, & Health (LOLLLLL)
  • Effective Writing (Friday)
    • Parts of Speech I Quiz
    • Description or Narration Paragraph

Okay well, this sort of plug-and-play from my syllibi isn’t that hard, in fact it’s kind of cathartic in the most minor of ways. Probably really boring to read (in fact you likely skipped over it altogether), but I almost want to keep going on into next week—what fun! Later though.

So, I’ve laid out my short and long term goals essentially. Really, the short term won’t be too hard. I can do Rhetoric one book per day to really study. Simple. Okay, what about Psychology? That’s its own little mess, but right now I can focus on reading Ch 9 for Tuesday, and try to get the rest in over the next week before the weekend (or before the exam at the latest lolll). Effective Writing? I can do that really soon. Those are easy. Might as well start there actually; Small Steps. Oh, and Creative Writing I might as well do tonight.

Where’s my agenda? I’ll spare you the details haha. Next!

Goals

  1. English Degree
  2. Marriage
  3. The Solune Prince
  4. Solune 4000
  5. Torah
  6. Redraft Alice and Finch

Okay so obviously the best thing to do is, like any good countdown list, run this down in reverse order.

6 Alice and Finch

This has been bubbling up for a while now. Alice and Finch is over one year old now. You can read the original rough draft right now, for free on this blog (here, if you please). There are a lot of problems with it, but I met someone I really love thanks to writing it when I did, so I still like it. In fact, the original three Dawn chapters as well as Inck won’t be edited that much; they’re already really terrific.

I’ve actually worked on this a lot here and there. I’ve written two essays (Alice and Finch: The Archetypal RecapitulationAlice and Finch – Update 2) in order to explore ideas and plan the next step. Alice and Finch are still alive and well actually; they’ve made appearances as supporting characters in The Solune Prince (TSP), which should be no surprise as Chloe, the Solune Prince, was Finch’s secondary teacher. Further, the first eight or so chapters are already edited!

alice and finch
I only have bad sketches of the pairing right now :/

Really, I just need motivation for this one, and I think once the first Novella of The Solune Prince is done, the second draft of Alice and Finch will take the helm while I plan TSP Novella 2. So, for now, it’s at the bottom of the list for a good reason. However, thanks to a certain someone, I’m far more amazing now than I was when I wrote the first draft, so I’m excited to see where this takes me and my novel. Maybe to publication!

5 Torah

See the source image

This should be pretty self-explanatory. Being an artist, and a Noahide are sufficient reason to read what is likely the most respected book of all time. Christians staple it to the back of their Bible, Muslims respect it as a holy book, and many Jews still live it every day!

It also gives me an excuse to chill out and do nothing on Saturday; It’s Shabbat! I must not work or create anything! Now, I do not yet follow the 39 laws of Sabbath (Melachot) but…I am also not Jewish. For now, I’ll do my best with what I can do.

That aside, certain narratives seem to be the core inspiration for a lot of modern and great literature. As someone who values going to the source, reading it is almost inevitable regardless of my religion or beliefs. Finally, the story of Jacob man, what a dude. That guy fought with G-d and won. #lifegoals2019

4 Solune 4000

Like Alice and Finch, this goal isn’t really going to take off for a few months. My friend Nick and I are pushing the game forward here and there. He’s really a coding wizard so that’s awesome. Right now combat is being constructed, and we’re set to really take off in the new year.

It is to take place during Alexandre Dirge’s year off between her BA and her Masters of Kemia. I’m mostly using that to date the game and add setting and context for future developments. Alexandre won’t be the main character (probably), she will more likely be an important NPC. Or at least a deadly one. For now, she’s become something of a secondary main character in The Solune Prince, if you’re interested.

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Alexandre Jutt, looking pretty and shitty as always. Poor girl…

So far it’s looking good. I need to get in the scaffolding for the chat system, which will be a pain in the ass during a depression, but eh. Whatever.

3 The Solune Prince

‘The Underside cries out to The Solune Prince for aid.’

“Who are they!”
“The Lussa are our extinct ancestors.” He had said.
It was not enough.

It was later that she got her chance—the answers came to her as a quest.
“It is good that you have come Chloe. We have it, a plea for help; from the Lussa.”
“Ah…”

Chloe Rhye is a recluse. As a prince, she needs nothing from the world, and so, she just reads…until her father gets a letter. An ancient lost kingdom, still ruled by her distant bloodline, needs her help…

New chapters of The Solune Prince are released every Thursday at 10am. It’s essentially my literary spine, it keeps me writing and planning and thinking. It’s written much like other realism novels except that it takes place in another world that acts much like the world did four-hundred years ago, but with touches of four-thousand years ago. Hope you check it out: https://danieltriumph.com/the-solune-prince/

2 Marriage

Not much to say here, really. I value marriage, and if I find someone I like who feels the same, I intend to marry them.

If you would like to know more, feel free to check out Rabbi Manis Freidman’s work on the subject. Marriage is a sacred act, and I think that it gets a bad rap. You’re not an adult until you are married with two or more children as far as I’m concerned. You’re just a half-soul. I’m sick of feeling incomplete and lonely, and like a child, and without responsibility. It’s time to build a home. So, Marriage.

Since I’m already amazing, the only thing left for me to do is make someone else feel the same way.

1 The English Degree

Literally, see the short term goals.

Maybe I’ll get to this some other day, but here’s a gist. Humanities don’t get you jobs, and I don’t want a job. I want to take over the world. You don’t do that with a job.

Rich people send their children out for humanities degrees. Why? So that they know a bit of everything, so that they mature; so that they learn to read and write, and most of all they learn about the history of human ideas and how to learn and use academic resources.

Janna cover speech.png
Janna Rhye, Second King of the Solune, never took any post-secondary education.

They send their children out to become leaders. Because rich kids don’t work, people work for them. (At least, in theory. History and English majors seem to love to settle for less; teaching.) I’m already creating art. I’m already working with others for a higher goal (Solune 4000). This is only the beginning. I should already be making money by the time I graduate. All I have to do is make it scalable, and when I exit the gates, scale it!

That’s all for now. Don’t go into the humanities if you want a job. You won’t find one.

And don’t compete with me unless you want a fight, because I can’t die dead enough, and I’m here to conquer all.

Yaska of Souls

Daniel Triumph.

Tell me a story that you cherish. (v2, standalone)

(v1 of this piece was in the short anthology, Passive Progressions.)

This was written in September, when my life was more stable because she was not talking to me. Now, it’s a little different. Horray, for Chaos has returned to me once again!

A Romantic: A person with beliefs or attitudes of mystery, excitement, and remoteness from everyday life. ‘This is a beautiful record for hopeless romantics and dreamers – don’t let the cynics tell you otherwise.’ Essentially a reverse cynic or an idealist who’s willing to prove the world wrong in order to achieve his or her dreams.

This summer, my romantic self, the self that stayed up late on school nights watching lovely anime, and read ironic fantasies and speculative science fiction, was reawakened by someone. He is raw and unfocused, passionate and transcendental.

We talked a lot, nearly every night by message. The more I learned about her, the more in love I was. I just want to help with all of her problems, for her the romantic “Me” would conquer the earth! Blackmail the Universe! I learned exactly what all those studies meant when they stated that married men work 30% harder—or more! My creative juices flowed, she was my muse, she was the reason for hundreds of lines.

And now she’s gone, I feel left behind. Where is my love? What happened? She is young and weak, and in need of space. Here my love, take your time. She told me to move on twice or thrice. She said goodbye even more, but came back each time; each time and the last.

September cut my knees, like a certain man, I walk with a limp. My time is running out. The Romantic within me just laughs. “Haha! Is she weak? Then make her strong! Make her a man!” (He means, of course, as a warrior. He likes Jung, and believes that each person has a conscious ego that matches their gender, and an unconscious anima/animus that is the opposite gender.)

But real me? I’m seeing in tragedy. When things are too perfect, something vital is always missing. The chain pops off the bike. The lines rust out my brakes. September cut my knees and then I crashed.

So here I am now. She promised she would come back, but oh so cryptic. I pushed my luck. I have my hope. Oh love, come back!

The Romantic is sizing up all the other potential mates in my life. He wants to get married IMMEDIATELY. I say, people don’t do that anymore. It always goes wrong, and everone wants to wait until they’re middle aged and grumpy before they settle down and find out what makes humans happy.

He does not care. He says “people? Oh you mean ‘they’? They are all weak and worthless. They can go to hell. In fact, their single, lonely asses probably already feel like hell! Do not bother what ‘they’ believe. Look at her! Whew, dark hair blue eyes! And look, that one looks like your dream girl! The blonde curls, well endowed!” I have to blush. I make him stop.

The Romantic is sizing up all the other potentials in my life. I see love with virgin eyes, everyone is beautiful to me. But the Romantic? So judgmental! “I guarantee our lover had an IQ of at least 130. All these dumb women.” They are very pretty though, I say, adding, you don’t even know them that well. “Hah! But tell me, which is more beautiful than the girl I love?” I scan my memory. No one. Maybe one. And, maybe she’s also just as smart. But again, between her and I, as between my love and I, there is a barrier, so for now…

I cherish my memories and try not to feel anxious.

I hope she comes back, but I am not as certain as my Romantic side. How certain is he? “For her, I would blackmail the UNIVERSE!” But as for me…perhaps…she was never meant to be.

“But if she was!” …would she come back?

Hold on to me as tightly as I do you.
“Your wife is the closest person to you in your family.”
Why.
“Because she’s the only member that you choose, and she chooses back.”
How romantic!
Tragedy deserves its tragic end!
Hurrah!
Dance with me!

Time: The Beginning

1

I used to message her whenever she came to mind,
An inbox sprinkled with messages.

Now she’s gone (a line that is cliché)
And all I can do is look.

Has she been here? Has she seen this? The answer is

For now, but maybe not forever,
No. She is gone.

I miss luisa.

YOU USED TO CALL ME ON MY CELLPHONE

2

If you found me in the darkness
Would you fight for my equality
If you found that I had darkness
Would you protect me and my harshness?

3

The weak avoid.
“The quickest way to end the war is lose.”

The strong dive in.
“If you try, if you don’t die, you’ll end up black and blue.”

4

Dnqv5qhVsAEjWaH.jpg

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Statements Stolen from Twitter and Shuffled

The real reason Canadians apologize is because we really are rude, but then we feel bad about it after.

I sold my cunning got sincerity a long time ago. Now I just…offend people.

Aubrey Plaza exists.

There are just so many Russian women on Instagram.

Some people do not accept apologies. They block you instead.

Bring down upon them the lightning of judgment.

Hnnngggg
LUISAAA

Write a book they want to read again.
And again.

Q-Q

Got rain.

Then I remembered there are people who actually lose chapters or books to digital corruption and power outages and now I feel better haha.

At least my imaginary video game friends believe in me


:/

Bed time.

The Solune Prince: The Aftermath of Thought; (or The N’Tariel Talent)

Mithos: Sublime Idealist

Lloyd: Gentle Idealist

7

Oh, you’re worldbuilding? A bit too much you say?
Why did you make a new world? Ask yourself.
If the answer cannot be found, then you made it for yourself.

It’s time to stop worldbuilding and start doing something for your reader and not for you. Write.

8

Woke up sick. LOVE SICK!
…Maybe.


A drum beats for me.
It’s louder every day.
The cadence tells me that
soon I’ll meet
My judgment day.

My judgment day.
MY JUDGMENT DAY
my judgment day.

The game I play has caused a lot of grief
They were dying for fame, so I obliged them some relief
” (Megadeth 1999).

10

Am I doomed to just draw angry women now

The weak run and hide
I speak things confide
In me fear no the edge
Of life of my knife run and

I’ll cut your flesh.
(From Alexandre Dirge’s diary)

11

Treat others as you want to be treated? Wrong. I want to be argued with until one person loses.

Alexander Dirge has a better proverb: “Treat others as a mother would her child’s friends.”

Although she continues…

“Avoid touching them, be nice, assume that they are stupid.”

Twitter Questions no one ever Answered.

does microsoft own snapchat

You ever get the sudden urge to passionately bulldoze all the traffic in your area?

Do video games make you violent or am I just violent

Okay, so my Swastika Laboratory coworkers convinced me not to try speed.
My Rhetoric professor convinced me not to try cocaine.
Anyone have an issue with psychedelics?

Why is there no wizard Jesus?
Casting the Word from his magic tome, The Holy Bible?

Uhhg
God
I feel useless

Where is my Luisa? :3 I have her hugs

That the world may know peace…
Time is moving faster tonight.

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LVSA·SON·NET

Anti-Anti-Sonnet: Follow the Rules no matter What
By: Daniel Triumph

I’ll be there for you, when you walk throu’th’ fire
I’ll be there for you, when the flames get high’r
When, oh, nothing fits and nothing seems right
Till the last breath of my life, I’ll be there
(I’ll be There, Megadeth 199—
9, DAVE MUSTAINE, MARTY FRIEDMAN—et all.)

And, I believe you’ll be there for me too.

Do your actions speak louder? I hope so.

And all this time, and you have been so kind.
<don’t read this line it is just fil·ler here.>

— / — Come to me at your weakest,
— / And I’ll put you in your sleepest.

Time: The Beginning

By Megadeth

Father time, I’m running late
I’m winding down, I’m growing tired
Seconds drift into the night
The clock just ticks till my time expires

You were once my friend
Now I know I can’t tie your hands
The days I saved I couldn’t spend
They fell like sand through the hourglass
No time to lose, no time to choose

Time taking time, it’s taken mine
Scenes of my life seem so unkind
Time chasing time creeps up behind
I can’t run forever, and time waits for no one
Not even me

An enemy I can’t defend
My final place a deadly end
Life’s just a speck in space
Dreams of an eternal resting place

I can’t get any younger
Time has brutal hunger

Time taking time, it’s taken mine
Scenes of my life seem so unkind
Time chasing time creeps up behind
I can’t run forever, and time waits for no one, waits for no one
Not even me

Songwriters: BUD PRAGER,DAVE MUSTAINE,MARTY FRIEDMAN
© Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC,Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.

see you next time.
Do you wonder what part 2 will be like?
Find the preview…Time: The End.
Or, if this sentence becomes a link, click here.

an internal and depressed discourse

This is a personal blog post, not a story 😮

and I think the worst part about being depressed is that you question your fundamentals.

Why am I in University? Why for English? Why not Biology? Why pursue something you know for a fact isn’t your ‘passion’? But wait, isn’t passion built by doing something you like over and over until it sticks? Until you get really good? Do I actually like English?

Why did I even take the English degree? Well, when I actually bother to plan, I write a pretty mean essay. And, it’s something I can do decently whilst depressed (or so I tell myself). Whereas anyone who’s been depressed knows that math, at the very least, becomes very troublesome for the mind, no matter how talented you once were with it.

Also, I really like storytelling. I’ve created, since the later parts of high school, a large narrative world.

But wait, just because I’ve been world building for four years doesn’t mean it’s good. There’s a stark lack of documentation. And plus, look, the world was originally built to be experienced through roleplay, not reading. But wait, there’s a lot here that’s changed, that works better as a narrative than an interactive experience… right?

But wait, none of that matters. I’ve always had issues with characters, and they’re what really matter to me. I feel like in an RP setting, I can’t really express the entirety of a character, I can’t step in their shoes. It’s because they’re underdeveloped, isn’t it. I need to work more on revision, on revisiting character and developing them. But how?

I’m bad, right now, at writing fiction, and I don’t really love it… but I like it enough to do it. Maybe that’s enough. Maybe I just need to learn, and let’s be real, YouTube makes for a thoroughly flawed teacher, especially when all the advice is given by people without credentials, whose work may or may not have any actual quality… How do you know it’s not the blind leading the blind?

Read their work? But I’m not a huge fan of reading, I mean, I read manga… but only sometimes.

That’s another peg against English as an area for study. I don’t really like reading all that much. Or maybe I’m just lazy? It’s hard to tell, because so far I’ve been an expert at avoiding the readings and not actually failing the courses. I… hope to change that and do the readings. Learn a bit about myself.

It’s very hard, to figure out what to do with myself, because, well, there’s no advice. And the only advice is wrong! Get a good paying job? And then what, torture yourself for the rest of your life as it slowly eats your soul?

I’ve realized that I’m very much an artist. My creativity right now is raw, altogether quite crappy. Worst of all, it’s inconsistent. I feel that… I should work more on the fundamentals of art. Writing? I need to learn more about structure and plotting, but especially on how to edit and rewrite.

When I look back, the only piece I really liked was Alice and Finch. So, I want to do the second draft of that as soon as possible. But beta readers…. don’t read. I feel like I’m editing in a bubble. But maybe it’s better that way? Maybe internalizing the mistakes as part of my overall structure is to be a signature of my writing? I don’t know. Maybe with enough revision, it’ll be great. But really, I need to get into the habit of revising. At that might come at the expense of blog post frequency, I’m not sure. Maybe I’ll post second drafts.

Or should I save it until I sell it? Should I self publish? Or perhaps, should I get an agent and go big? All the books that turned into movies, that actually got exposure to the masses were traditional, weren’t they? I don’t know. I’ll have to make a whole post on this debate, I’m still on the fence. I’m really thinking I should do both.

For drawing? Well, I think we can all accept that my art isn’t amazing. Some of it worse than others. Most frustrating is that I can’t seem to draw what I want all of the time. Sometimes what I draw becomes complete garbage, and feel like I’ve lost the talent entirely, by neglecting it.

Take this pair for example, both drawings of the same character, Yaska. On the left is the one I drew first. It was all wrong. Quality aside, it just wasn’t the correct face. The Plainkind isn’t Yaska. On the right is a much better drawing, at the very least more accurate. But I can’t get Yaska to look like Yaska every time, and it’s frustrating. I don’t know how people do it, but my guess is that it’s a good handle on the fundamentals.

So, I have a lot of work to do between the two arts, but then time’s an issue.

Even depressed, and questioning everything, being unable to figure out what’s best for me, I have a semblance for what “the dream” is. It’s that I can just explore art, take those readings or performances to heart, and then write off of it.

I just got back from a public literary reading at my university. I wasn’t a huge fan of all of the poetry, but I really liked some of it. The reading inspired me to write this post, that I need to write. I need to learn.

I need to learn about the fundamentals, and about revision.

Specifically, the fundamentals of visual arts, and the planning and revision process of writing.

Walking to the library, I thought about this, the dream. If I could dedicate all my time to experiencing art, and then making art… that’s the dream! The inhibitors are time, time to learn both writing and drawing to my fullest potential, and money. But, both are overcome if I manage to generate a livable income doing them.

So maybe English is the right path? Or maybe history? Because as much as I like Biology, it’s tangential to art. I can do that through independent research… hopefully. (Or marry someone who’s taken biology, I joke to myself.)

At the moment, it is simply vital that I improve. Oh, and figure out what the hell to major! (Looks tentatively at History.)

Daniel Triumph.

If you want, you can help me out on Patreon (https://www.patreon.com/DanielTriumph), although you might want to wait until I’ve improved, huh? 🙂

I should outline The Solune Prince in more depth, so that it’s a better read for everyone.