The more a person knows, the more their fears have to work with.
I felt like all my past achievements were…worthless.
And how do you feel now?
The same. But I’ve realized I feel like everyone’s achievements are worthless.
So now you believe your previous work has value.
No, now I believe I’m in no place to judge.
Why do you grit your teeth so hard?
Throttled by stress. Stress throttles until the blood comes out from between my teeth.
It’s only in your dreams. You know, that place was built to study realities, not fabricate them.
I used to think I was teeth all the way down. Some people are rough around the edges, I thought; what if all I am is edges?
You used to hate yourself?
No, I used to allow myself to be seen as detestable.
I thought it came naturally.
I felt like one of the ones who could have made it, but didn’t.
I told myself, I’ll get back to normal. But I couldn’t get back to normal, because I had changed everything, and everything’s broken.
Chores, work, ugh. You’d have to whip me to get me to do it.
The whips are coming. The whips are time.
My life is wrapped around me; chains of my own creation.
My shame is great, my anxiety mellow. I feel my life has slipped between my fingers like water.
Do you think anyone’s hands function like cups? Maybe some things are too difficult for anyone.
So life is the problem, not me? It’s comforting, but how will I ever grow if I don’t take responsibility?
You can’t take responsibility for things outside your control.
…is that what I’ve done?
The weight of the world? No. But tell me, how many leagues of air rest on top of me?
Isn’t air weightless?
I gave up trying to explain who I really am because, how can I be sure I’m right?
Do you ever lower your own standards when it becomes too much? I worry that mine shift.
That could be good or bad.
But if they shift, are they really standards? Maybe my standards are weak. At least my principals, I keep strong. Some things I would die for. I would have to.
We’re getting into unusual territory here.
In fact, if there’s nothing you would die for; no act for which you would die rather than commit, what is your life worth in your own eyes?
Are you saying people are only worth as much as their principals?
…No. I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe only subjectively. Objectively, there is something to be said for inherent individual value.
I like that, let’s continue from there.
Writ February 16-26, 2021