burnout and other fabulous intentions

It’s that time of the year again.

And I think the best part about being depressed is that you question your fundamentals.

The reason I’m in English is not so that I could get a job. Pro tip, you want a job? Avoid the humanities. Try a skilled trade, everyone always needs more tradesmen in this economy. My sister is becoming a tradesman, in fact. It’s only two years, it’s 1/3 the price of a “worthless degree,” and it even pays more out of the gates.

But this is not about advice.

Today I finally hit the brick wall that is depression once again. Truly, it is a brick wall for us manic-depressives because we go from the opposite; energy-filled mania, to empty, devoid depression.

Luckily, I’ve been through all this before, over and over. I know what’s going on, and that it’s best to just…keep going. The problem? My goals are a little too polytheistic at the moment. Now, I mean that in a technical and secular manner, simply that I have many goals (or many “gods”) that I’m trying to move towards and achieve, and perhaps they are at odds with each other.

Depression is great time to abandon useless goals. Why? Because you don’t care about anything except what’s really important. And even then, you don’t really care, you just…feel very anxious about getting rid of things, or stopping, or giving up.

So what are my goals? Let’s list the ones I remember, and then anything I don’t remember likely wasn’t worth remembering. (Or I’ll wake up in a cold sweat in a few hours and edit it in…)

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❤ ❤

 

Goals From 2018

Not really sure that there’s anything else.

So where to go from here? Let’s push the goals aside for a second. Anxiety is caused, often, by not just the fear of the unknown, but also from taking on more than you can handle (that’s an opinion, not a fact). Under that second definition, during depression, I used to narrow my vision to just then next action, the next hour, what was due tomorrow. That sucks in the long term.

It is necessary to pull your head up every now and then even when you’re depressed. It’s simple really; walking with your head down and watching the ground move by without worrying about the world? That’s kind of comforting. But walking into walls, poles, or parked cars? Not so nice. So, pull your head up every now and then.

So, I have this terrible week off. It’s ruined my schedule and habits, and it’s expedited my depression. Hello, depressed Dan! You have homework due on Monday! It’s time to pull that head up and lay out the road for the next four days so that you can afford to keep the head down in comfort. Okay fine.

Due Next Week

  • Rhetoric 290
    • Mid Term; so study.
    • Cicero: De Oratore (50p)
  • Creative Writing 203
    • Writing Exercise #4
  • Psychology as a Social Science 116 (Tuesday)
    • Ch. 9 Intelligence & IQ Testing
    • Mid Term coming October 23
      • Further, you have not done any of the readings at all lmao. So:
      • Ch. 8 Thinking, Reasoning, and Language
      • Ch. 14 (skim, you already know personality theory)
      • Ch. 12 Stress, Coping, & Health (LOLLLLL)
  • Effective Writing (Friday)
    • Parts of Speech I Quiz
    • Description or Narration Paragraph

Okay well, this sort of plug-and-play from my syllibi isn’t that hard, in fact it’s kind of cathartic in the most minor of ways. Probably really boring to read (in fact you likely skipped over it altogether), but I almost want to keep going on into next week—what fun! Later though.

So, I’ve laid out my short and long term goals essentially. Really, the short term won’t be too hard. I can do Rhetoric one book per day to really study. Simple. Okay, what about Psychology? That’s its own little mess, but right now I can focus on reading Ch 9 for Tuesday, and try to get the rest in over the next week before the weekend (or before the exam at the latest lolll). Effective Writing? I can do that really soon. Those are easy. Might as well start there actually; Small Steps. Oh, and Creative Writing I might as well do tonight.

Where’s my agenda? I’ll spare you the details haha. Next!

Goals

  1. English Degree
  2. Marriage
  3. The Solune Prince
  4. Solune 4000
  5. Torah
  6. Redraft Alice and Finch

Okay so obviously the best thing to do is, like any good countdown list, run this down in reverse order.

6 Alice and Finch

This has been bubbling up for a while now. Alice and Finch is over one year old now. You can read the original rough draft right now, for free on this blog (here, if you please). There are a lot of problems with it, but I met someone I really love thanks to writing it when I did, so I still like it. In fact, the original three Dawn chapters as well as Inck won’t be edited that much; they’re already really terrific.

I’ve actually worked on this a lot here and there. I’ve written two essays (Alice and Finch: The Archetypal RecapitulationAlice and Finch – Update 2) in order to explore ideas and plan the next step. Alice and Finch are still alive and well actually; they’ve made appearances as supporting characters in The Solune Prince (TSP), which should be no surprise as Chloe, the Solune Prince, was Finch’s secondary teacher. Further, the first eight or so chapters are already edited!

alice and finch
I only have bad sketches of the pairing right now :/

Really, I just need motivation for this one, and I think once the first Novella of The Solune Prince is done, the second draft of Alice and Finch will take the helm while I plan TSP Novella 2. So, for now, it’s at the bottom of the list for a good reason. However, thanks to a certain someone, I’m far more amazing now than I was when I wrote the first draft, so I’m excited to see where this takes me and my novel. Maybe to publication!

5 Torah

See the source image

This should be pretty self-explanatory. Being an artist, and a Noahide are sufficient reason to read what is likely the most respected book of all time. Christians staple it to the back of their Bible, Muslims respect it as a holy book, and many Jews still live it every day!

It also gives me an excuse to chill out and do nothing on Saturday; It’s Shabbat! I must not work or create anything! Now, I do not yet follow the 39 laws of Sabbath (Melachot) but…I am also not Jewish. For now, I’ll do my best with what I can do.

That aside, certain narratives seem to be the core inspiration for a lot of modern and great literature. As someone who values going to the source, reading it is almost inevitable regardless of my religion or beliefs. Finally, the story of Jacob man, what a dude. That guy fought with G-d and won. #lifegoals2019

4 Solune 4000

Like Alice and Finch, this goal isn’t really going to take off for a few months. My friend Nick and I are pushing the game forward here and there. He’s really a coding wizard so that’s awesome. Right now combat is being constructed, and we’re set to really take off in the new year.

It is to take place during Alexandre Dirge’s year off between her BA and her Masters of Kemia. I’m mostly using that to date the game and add setting and context for future developments. Alexandre won’t be the main character (probably), she will more likely be an important NPC. Or at least a deadly one. For now, she’s become something of a secondary main character in The Solune Prince, if you’re interested.

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Alexandre Jutt, looking pretty and shitty as always. Poor girl…

So far it’s looking good. I need to get in the scaffolding for the chat system, which will be a pain in the ass during a depression, but eh. Whatever.

3 The Solune Prince

‘The Underside cries out to The Solune Prince for aid.’

“Who are they!”
“The Lussa are our extinct ancestors.” He had said.
It was not enough.

It was later that she got her chance—the answers came to her as a quest.
“It is good that you have come Chloe. We have it, a plea for help; from the Lussa.”
“Ah…”

Chloe Rhye is a recluse. As a prince, she needs nothing from the world, and so, she just reads…until her father gets a letter. An ancient lost kingdom, still ruled by her distant bloodline, needs her help…

New chapters of The Solune Prince are released every Thursday at 10am. It’s essentially my literary spine, it keeps me writing and planning and thinking. It’s written much like other realism novels except that it takes place in another world that acts much like the world did four-hundred years ago, but with touches of four-thousand years ago. Hope you check it out: https://danieltriumph.com/the-solune-prince/

2 Marriage

Not much to say here, really. I value marriage, and if I find someone I like who feels the same, I intend to marry them.

If you would like to know more, feel free to check out Rabbi Manis Freidman’s work on the subject. Marriage is a sacred act, and I think that it gets a bad rap. You’re not an adult until you are married with two or more children as far as I’m concerned. You’re just a half-soul. I’m sick of feeling incomplete and lonely, and like a child, and without responsibility. It’s time to build a home. So, Marriage.

Since I’m already amazing, the only thing left for me to do is make someone else feel the same way.

1 The English Degree

Literally, see the short term goals.

Maybe I’ll get to this some other day, but here’s a gist. Humanities don’t get you jobs, and I don’t want a job. I want to take over the world. You don’t do that with a job.

Rich people send their children out for humanities degrees. Why? So that they know a bit of everything, so that they mature; so that they learn to read and write, and most of all they learn about the history of human ideas and how to learn and use academic resources.

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Janna Rhye, Second King of the Solune, never took any post-secondary education.

They send their children out to become leaders. Because rich kids don’t work, people work for them. (At least, in theory. History and English majors seem to love to settle for less; teaching.) I’m already creating art. I’m already working with others for a higher goal (Solune 4000). This is only the beginning. I should already be making money by the time I graduate. All I have to do is make it scalable, and when I exit the gates, scale it!

That’s all for now. Don’t go into the humanities if you want a job. You won’t find one.

And don’t compete with me unless you want a fight, because I can’t die dead enough, and I’m here to conquer all.

Yaska of Souls

Daniel Triumph.

The Solune Prince: Stained Class; or The Stupid Tower Problem

The Solune Prince

Novella 1

Chapter 12: Stained Class; or The Stupid Tower Problem

Bronze

Bronze

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Bronze

Bronze

“Brass…”

Bronze

“No, it is bronze.”

Astore looked down from the belltower. “Who—Chloe?”

I should be able to see her. Where—oh man, how can I, as an Agent of the King, not see someone who’s within earshot?

Her soft voice continued. “Brass dents too easily. You cannot make a bell whose wounds deepen at the sound of every toll or knell.”

Astore looked around the tower. He circled the bell and even examine the stone in the floor, and the pillars that held up the bell and its cover. Where… he almost called out for her, but, of course, a young man is fifty-percent pride. Instead, he mumbled to himself.

“Where… is she invisible? Why can I hear her? Is this…some form of ventriloquism?” He scanned the rooftops that surrounded him. Most of them were empty. There was a group of more wealthy noble Riley on a roof to the north, but no Chloe.

Finally, he gave up and called out. “Where are you?”

She said, “I believe I have made a mistake…”

“Why?”

She didn’t answer, but Astore had been paying attention this time. Her voice was coming from below and to the south. She must be downstairs!

Then, he saw a hand grab the ledge, gripping tightly.

Chloe jumped up off of the beam. She was just tall enough to reach the fingers of her left hand up around the stone guard. She grabbed tight and hauled herself upward, managing to get one elbow safely up onto the ledge. Her muscles shook with the effort.

“Hey!”

Chloe tower

Astore’s voice startled her, and her arm slipped. Chloe lost her strength and fell down the side of the tower.

“Ah!—Ouch.” Chloe’s rear hit the scaffold beam below. “Hmm…maybe these are not that useless after all…” she mumbled.

Anxious, Chloe let her head fall and touch the tower’s outer wall. She leaned on it, breathing.

“Hey!” Astore peeked over, “we have to go back! Come on, I’ll help you.”

Chloe looked up. She didn’t have the energy to reply, so she sort of just waved at him, trembling. She was sure that Astore was still talking, likely saying something important. She heard a name that was familiar too, but she was dazed and her mind would focus only on the issue at hand:

She was dangling on an ancient support beam, level with the ceiling of the third storey. She looked down and the vertigo rush grounded her senses. I…I am dangling here, floors above the ground. Likely a lethal height to fall from, and I do not have the strength left to pull myself up after that. How—there are three and I’m on the third. If I drop down, the trip will be easier on my…arms. Chloe vocally sighed and opened her eyes.

“Hello?”

Astore was waving his arms from the roof like an idiot. “Yes! Prince! Come up, I’ll help you! Didn’t you hear me?”

Chloe stood and then kneeled back down. She grabbed the beam and dropped off of it, hanging by her arms.

“I said that Lilllith is here already! Woah! What are you doing?”

Chloe, a highly neurotic woman by nature, lost her grip when she heard this. She fell; two cubits down; landing on the next beam. Uhhg. …that is beam two…one more and then the ground. I have to get rid of Astore before he gets me injured.

“Meet you on the ground,” Chloe called.

Then, she kneeled, grabbed the second beam, and dropped off again, pushing her body back and away from the tower.

“Are you crazy? Are you sure that’s safe?”

“It is not safe if you do not hold your words!” She shouted back in anger. Her long legs hit the wall and she braced into it.

Astore frowned and then disappeared.

Chloe walked her hands forward, climbing down the wall, digging her toes into the mortar cracks. When she was ready, she let her feet dangle, and then dropped again.

And there is the ground below me…

She considered beam hopping to the support that stood over the doorway and then jumping on Astore. She blushed and changed her mind immediately. Don’t flirt with the servants again Chloe! She kneeled and hopped the eight cubits down to the ground. The instant her feet touched earth, her anxieties caught her by the throat.

Then the prince’s countenance was changed, and his thoughts troubled him, that the joints of his loins were loosed, and his knees smote one against another.

She cried aloud.

Then came Astore: but his words did not make sense to the prince.

Chloe blinked. She was on the south side of the tower, between it and the city wall where no one could see her. What was that?

It took a full minute for Astore to get down all of the tower’s steps and find her. By then, she had mostly composed herself and was sitting on the ground despondently.

“Er…to the castle then? Miss? I mean, Sir?”

She stood up, caught her balance, and spoke to Astore.

“Are you okay?” They both said in unison.

“No, you don’t get to ask that, you scaled a tower. I just went down some stairs.”

Chloe laughed and wiped her eyes. She tried to stand up and failed, and then stood up again with Astore’s help.

“Y—ah,” she exhaled back, and then continued, “Let us return to my home…and let that I may greet our guest” Lilllith…

Daniel Triumph.

Table of Contents

Sketches of characters from this scene: