This is a writing I made way back in September. It’s exam season right now, and on top of that, I’m not being as productive as I would like to be. However, I am intent on keeping this blog going even during my hardest times, so here is a piece, almost not even a story, that I wrote a while back.
It’s a part of Alexandre Jutt’s journal, and I wrote it while I was a little off mentally, so it might come off as odd. Looking back, however, I found it to be rather engaging nonetheless.
Alexandre Jutt’s Journal
Eighth month, 3rd day.
Epinephrine is the fight or flight hormone. Humans, when subjected to chronic loneliness, begin to release epinephrine, and the hormone, left unchecked, will erode the body from the inside. It prevents the body from regeneration, and inhibits the immune system. Is it your fault that you are lonely? Is it my fault that I am not lonely?
Is it true, even, that I am not lonely? Maybe I’m just deluding myself. Maybe, secretly, a secret even from myself, I am lonely. But I don’t think so. There’s a logic here though, see, I don’t feel much different after the ordeal than before. Maybe I’m too distant from my own situation? Perhaps. I have been called ‘cold’ in the past, and not just by one person. But I’m not lonely. Even when I was with my uncle, I felt like this about half the time. Even when I ran a gang, I felt like this about half the time. And even now I feel the same, about half the time. Exactly the same.
“And what do you feel?” He had asked. And I didn’t want to answer him.
I didn’t want to answer him, because the answer to his question was, “I feel almost nothing.”
But I did answer him. And, after all that happened, I am glad that I did.
Because after that I did research, a lot of research. I went to our private library, and then I went to the city’s public library, and finally to the University’s library.
And I learned what was happening. I learned all about the mind, about neurostudies, about biology and synapses, about the nervous system, about the third eye that was hidden deep within the core. I learned about a lot of things, but I don’t know what to do about epinephrine.